Horror in the Skies at Night!

Dear lovely, I only have 10 minutes today…….. 5 minutes to type this letter quickly… another 3 minutes for correcting spelling and grammar errors, then the last 2 minutes will be dedicated towards sending it.

My internet connection is a bit slow, so even when I hit send, the mail won’t arrive in your inbox instantly.

But am glad that this is much better – considering the fact that the first email ever sent on the web traveled for 1 hour before hitting the destination inbox. It was sent by a United States President.

But this is my point,

Every time I think of you, a fresh tale comes along. Our love life is the toughest journey I have ever traveled. Falling from 33,500 feet, at 11.45pm in the night, is a mentally-disturbing experience.

Knowing that you are landing in the shark-infested waters of the Atlantic ocean at night, is by far more deadly. The state of affairs demand that the flight attendants be invited to the cockpit for an emergency briefing. flying at night

This is normally referred to as NITS briefing, I here. It stands for Nature of emergency, the intention of the pilot, time-frame available……. coupled with special instructions.

Reports have it that MH17 plane has lost both its engines at that height – the one I was talking about….. 33,500 feet!!

We know that this is like joining Times Tower 15 X on top of the other one. A disaster is waiting to happen, i.e I am seated here, sweating my balls – an experience far worse than lying on the ground with face pointed downwards, waiting for Al shabaab to blow away your brains with some high-tech machine!

It is obvious that the nature of the emergency is that of a Jumbo jet losing both engines at cruise level amid flight!

How long the pilots prepare the sexy girls and gay men (cabin attendants) depends on the altitude of the dropping thing. (sorry for assuming that all male flight attendants are gay, but research has it that 50% of them are).

Moving on….

The intention of the captain is to restart the engines and land as soon as possible – even if it means diving in the Atlantic ocean!

The pilot may be free to land on a smooth flat surface – if available. But this is not applicable in my situation, so forget it!

Because we are at 33,500 feet, am told the plane should remain gliding in the air for between 15 to 20 minutes.

This is good because they can clear up whatever else needs to be cleared up in less than 20 minutes. We’re talking of meal carts, spoons, knives, and just about any item that may block the way.

Clearing up things is also good because it gives the airline crew some space to demonstrate safety procedures.

The Roaming Passenger

He is asked to go back to his seat. His pants are wet, with smelly urine and feces, and liquid diarrhea!

The Panic!

Instructions are very clear:

Close all tray tables, open all window blinds, lower all armrests, fasten seat belts, put on oxygen mask etc. Any sharp objects around should be kept away – pens, keys, high heels and so forth.

The same applies to restrictive clothing like scarfs, bracelets, wrist watches, mini skirts etc.

Ladies……. this is why you should not fly with a miniskirt on. You will strip yourself willingly, without the help of a Kenyan man – specifically a Nairobian man!

Moving on…..

The cabin crew also gives quick lessons on how each passenger should brace on their seats, and wait for impact!

Because this is water landing at night, life jackets are worn, and instructions given on correct procedures of wearing them.

And if you’re sitting near the emergency door of the MH17, you are thoroughly briefed on how and when to use the door…..

Because the landing is far away from an airport or a landing strip, the crew prepares medical supplies, water, and other equipment because they will be needed – But since we’re landing in water, I can’t see the need for any of these.

The Green Light

Everyone has taken their position in less than 20 minutes, and the crew has even signaled the flight deck, to go ahead and kill us inside the dropping thing, now at 10,000 feet, I suspect!

But ladies and gentlemen, We are now waiting for death!! As in, me and the entire crew are waiting for that moment when we will close our eyes upon gulping 2, 3 or 4 mouthfuls of icy cold waters of the Atlantic ocean.

We died!

And it was just a dream!!!!

P.S Tribute to all those who lost their loved ones on this ill-fated plane, that was never found. RIP


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