Kleptomania

Dear Lovely,

Do you always solicit others to help you read letters I send by, so they can know how much I care, and how much effort I put forth in polishing my spelling and grammar?

Do you remember how we said this would be discreet between me and you, or are you spilling the beans where you’re not supposed to?

Okay, I apologize for asking many questions…….that is one!

And two……….

I have forgiven you, because true loves knows how to forgive…… the sort of love that Jesus had.


First though, I have many stories to tell you. I remember that you text me the previous night on my BLACKBERRY phone…… as in, I received the message in my BLACKBERRY’S inbox, but I didn’t understand the word ‘I Luv u’.

I am sorry to ask, but what was that for – ‘I luv u’? What was that supposed to mean?

You see, I know the meaning of Kleptomania, and Thesauruses, and Pundit, or even flabbergasted!

I was a tad drunk when you tried explaining the meaning of those words last Saturday.

Again, I cannot even remember where I lost my wallet, but that is not part of my letter today.

My point is, I was seated in a very aged matatu today. It was so old that it looked like it was going to fall apart the next minute. It looked like a Nairobi city council van!! It’s by far the oldest public transport Matatu I have ever seen in this city, Nairobi.

The only window that was not broken was the front and rare. The rest were either broken, missing or sealed with a transparent polythene bag!


So the above statement is a very important part of this story. You will see how badly you need to remember it as the story develops.

We’re stuck somewhere at Globe Cinema roundabout, because of heavy traffic snarl up. There’s hooting, hissing and there’s also cursing in Swahili and…. even English for the learned!

I was fast asleep until at this specific point………. and please be aware of the fact that I am always asleep in matatus so long as I feel safe with the person seated next to me.

imageAt this point, I notice a yellow woman seated next to me. This statement is even wrong, so let me say I noticed her blue patented shoes! They were nothing below 3 and a half inches tall, as in they were heels…….. the sort of heels you will never buy when you don’t own a car.

He legs were sparkling and excellent. I think her short dress was also playing right.

The reason why she got my attention was due to the fact that she was texting using her left fingers instead of the right.

You see, this manner of texting looks a bit off the hook….. it’s weird!

However, the way her face looked like automatically canceled out the weird behaviour – of texting with the left finger.

I also noticed she was nothing below 65 watts, so according to me, she was light and beautiful.

I hope you see my situation now….. waking up to random hooting and cursing, and this yellow girl is seated on my left hand-side, next to me!

Ladies and gentlemen…… this is very confusing

I was trying to familiarize myself with the peculiar surroundings when a rough hand darted through the window with the speed of a Mwangi, grabbing the phone! This was very random, I must say!

In return, I throw up my long hands into the air (this is reflex action), hitting the phone out of the thief’s hand, and falling on the matatu floor instead. The thief disappears in the blink of an eye!

NOW LET ME EXPLAIN

Nairobi is a scary place if you are a scared man like me. I barely can’t catch my breath now. The lady extends her hand to pick the phone, now lying on the floor of the vehicle.

I wouldn’t let her, so I picked it up for her. This is first degree shock, but I have to pretend in front of women, ALWAYS.

Now as I bend to pick the phone, I almost collapse.

Here’s the explanation

This woman had nearly half of her face burned out! In fact, the right side was completely out of shape. I hope you see what I am now seeing and feeling……. as in, just before I recover from that first degree shock, another shock hits me hard!!

But my shock doesn’t end there. She’s missing the left eye too! Now she looks like an ogre (sorry to sound rude).

”Haki Thenx”, she says with an innocent smile of a child.

”Welcome” I respond before alighting at Fire station.

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