How are you?
I heard that you developed a bad stomachache due to food poisoning.
I also heard that you ate pork for the first time in your life, which was in addition to roadside mutura, roasted maize, and bone marrow soup!
The doctor who warned you against eating lactose-rich foods is the same doctor who said you were suffering from a bad stomachache because you ate too much, and digestion couldn’t take place. But now this is not my story today!
Instead, let me tell you about a blind date at Java coffee house with two teen ladies, as in, they were under 18, and I was having illegal lunch with them but not sleeping with them.
There’s a boy I grew up with in my childhood. He speaks Luo language, same as me. I haven’t seen him for the last decade, I think!
Now he calls me out of the blues.
Well, I will answer the question of how he got my number.
This is how….
I accidentally bumped into him along Moi avenue the other day. Then 3 days later, he calls and says the following things:
”Omera!! I know your taste very well…and I want you to meet this Kikuyu lady.”
Thing is, I was least interested in the offer, but saying No was not an answer, It would have sounded rude, you know?
So I agreed to meet the said lady at 1pm the following day…!! You know the type that is always available, even in the wee hours of the night? You see what I mean? You should deduce that it was so easy to get her for lunch the following day. As in, I didn’t have to beg for her time, or find out if she was busy or not.
The thing with blind dates, especially those that take place at Java is this – they can really be blind. But sometimes they can turn out to be awesome.
So to be on the safe side, I told my boy I was only going to spare 30 minutes at most for lunch.
He assured me in Luo Langauge that the girl was on her way. But apparently as it is, turns out that she was also coming along with another girl. In other words, I was going to pay for two plates, which I hadn’t planned for – and I didn’t have that money anyway.
So the conversation between me and my friend got rolling….you know the childhood days, and where Have you been kind of questions?
Then I had a deep voice from behind us…… it said, ”Niaje Johnie?” Tumekuja!”
Hearing this, I whispered a quick prayer before turning my head. This helps sometimes!
There were 2 women standing erect from behind my seat, and one of them was 10 shades darker than the other one.
The one with a darker skin tone had a square face, apparently because of her massive mandibles that forced her face to form that shape.
My intelligence figured that she looked naive and innocent. She had short hair, which was combed backwards, then tied with a rubber band. She was also slender, with flat butts, and with no mammary glands at all. As in, her chest was flat!!
On the other hand, the lighter one was a little cute, and she was also the most talkative of the two. She had a space between her teeth, like Rubadiri of NTV. It kept me staring because am usually perturbed by such human features!
She had also pierced her eyebrows. Her dressing was average, not so bad and not so good! I still found myself staring at the gap between her front teeth anyway.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this was intimidating.
Now they take a seat. The lighter girl sat directly in front of me and the other one on my right.
You see, I have a big problems. I have never known what to tell people who speak like this……”Mazee joh! Ni kunoma joh, nchapie joh!! You know that kind of speech?
So I finally say…… ”Ken is my name, and you?”
Both of them answered simultaneously…. LIZ!”
This was very funny, to the point of prompting a loud laughter, but I didn’t smile either.
”So, what do the two of you do?” I asked facing the lighter one. I faced the lighter one because I wanted to bring sanity into a disorganized conversation like this one…. where two people say their names at the same time.
She answered me using the language I didn’t understand. I couldn’t ask her to repeat because I knew I couldn’t understand it even with a 1000 repeats.
I didn’t want any of the crap I was seeing and listening. I simply wanted to leave.
So they place their order….
I get a Fanta. By the way, a small bottle of Fanta is 80 bob here.
”Wee boss, si umwambie akuletee dema you maana?” Soda ni nini?” I must confess that this one caught me off-guard.
So I ordered something I cannot remember… It was written in French language on the menu, and it tasted like sweet potatoes, mixed with cheese, lemon, pork, and vinegar. Hehehee!
So we talk about their school, where they live, and the general happenings around their lives.
The two attended high school somewhere in Eastlands – Umoja!
”Iyo daro joh? Tuko mtu kinde tu!” The lighter one said.
I was bored, so I paid the bill for what seemed like a double date I was not prepared for.
BUT I WAS EXPECTING THIS PART
My boy says I Mpesa him because he had just hooked me up with 2 ladies from Eastlands, you know? I did just that, and then rushed to the office!
Of course I excused myself.
P.S- Never go on a blind date!
I almost forgot to post this story. It has been sitting in my draft section for long, and that’s because I had to make a few corrections here and there. But am glad that I have posted it!