At this moment, I shall gladly avail myself for the present opportunity. I am just drafting a few lines of this post – hopefully I finish it, and hopefully you read it!
My love, did you hear of all the things that happened in Nairobi last year, or is it this year? Did you hear about Umoina bus accident at Mutindwa railway station? Did you hear that we were using Umoina despite all this? And well, did you see the chairman of Umoina Sacco on Churchill Live, awarding a check of 100,000 bob to that young boy?
Okay, enough has been said. I felt bad when all these things were happening, except when the boy was awarded an education scholarship and an extra 100,000/=. That was just that!
Thing is, not being able to know where you were at the time was the worst of all…. But I learned that all was well with you, upto date!
I have finished that part……..
You see, I hate the fact that I will queue to wait for my turn to get into one of the buses plying Eastlands route. I go for Mwamba Sacco instead, because they are a little organized – plus they play good music in rational volume!
On this day, I got into one of the Mwamba buses at 6.30pm, heading to a place called Step 1. I have always been scared of carrying my laptop to and from home, especially when using matatus. I am a tall and very scared man – that is a fact I want you to master!
This bus was only fine…. nothing raised alarm. The only boring thing was that the Driver kept saying things in Kikuyu about Umoina and how it was rammed into by a cargo train. I really wanted to hear how it happened, but you see, I don’t understand Kikuyu very well, so it was a little bit sacking!
I had 60 bob between me and the nearest bank ATM (I am counting money that is not mine).
You should also know that I was seated at my best position, the co-driver’s.
Now, a young lady came and signaled me that she wanted to sit in between me and the driver. She was speaking in Sheng! She spoke like her phone was a mile away, and she also followed everything she said with a blatant laughter…….. she did not have a whiff of wit.
She was carrying an enormous zebra-printed handbag…. as in, it was stripped in black and white. Then it had a pair of two massive bling bling (gold coated chains) for a handle. They were jingling like Christmas bells, yet it was not Christmas! Okay, maybe she was trying to bring Christmas nearer — inside a Mwamba sacco bus. Heheheeeee!!
I also deduced that the bag was huge with nothing much inside. The content inside kept moving back and forth with every laughter she let out, so I figured there was more space inside the bag!
She was in neon green pants, and her nails were Nairobi blue, so as it is, I was staring.
There was an enormous shiny red belt tied round her waist. I know they’re cheap because I have seen them with hawkers on the streets! Hawkers sell nothing worth more than 100 bob, I presume.
But I didn’t see what she was wearing on her feet… perhaps because of her glaring nails and her sheng conjunction.
She was now comfortably seated between us – me and the driver.
”Nipee dakika ngovo ivi!” That was the last statement she made before throwing her phone into the zebra handbag.
She wasn’t bad-looking, but there’s this peculiar thing that kept me in my imagination when seated in awkward silence next to a lady like this.
I suspected she was going to begin a conversation because of how she stared at me. Like you know, all conversations begin with an introduction.
Mine was very simple, I said……..” Hi, Ken, and I write books and blogs.
She responded…..” wacha kunichocha, I mean what do you do for a living….ama you’re still in college?”
”What’s your blog called?” she continued.
Please be advised… I have not started earning from this blog, so her question was trickiest at this moment. And you see, I didn’t want to lie that am an author with Ghalfa, Daily Post, and the rest! I didn’t want to go that way… and you know why.
The makanga saved the situation when he said ”pesa mbele”. Then it hit me that I only had 60 bob in my pocket, while I should be paying bei ya jioni – 80 bob.
This lady caused me to sweat my balls, to the point of not being scared of what the Makanga would do. You imagine the Makanga would simply ask the driver to pull over and get me out of the bus. But that was the least of my worries.
Now am going through my pockets, just in case I find a 20 bob I might have overlooked in the past.
”Kwani hauna chapa?” she asks. ”Niko nayo!” I reply. Then I manage to find a 10 bob coin in the deepest corner of my denim jeans pocket….. you know I wear one of those tight fittings that make my tall legs look like ostrich legs.
And I was digging my own grave by saying I had money when I only had 70 bob instead of 80 bob… bei ya jioni.
”Kuni embarrass nayo!” the lady goes, and hands a 200 bob for the two of us. It was supposed to be a loan, and I was to repay it… I don’t know when and how… because I didn’t have her contacts anyway.
”Where will you alight?” I ask.
”Mahali utashukia” She replies.
”Mi nashuka step 1!”
‘‘ATA MIMI!” she goes on.
So the interview continued on this Bumpy ride. I learned that she worked part time and attended college part time, at KIMs.
”Hata hauna my number”… she expresses her disappointment.
I started to reach out for my phone, which I had tacked deep inside my jacket’s pocket for fear of being robbed. But it was taking too long to find it, so she said ”Ah! wachana nayo, give me yours I flash you” That, I did.
Ladies and gentlemen
THAT IS HOW I BECAME A POLYGAMOUS MAN