Dear My Lovely Woman,
I know you do not love me anymore…I know you’re not my one and only because you are sleeping with seven times seventy men. You’re making it look like forgiveness in the Bible…
I have also discovered that you don’t care about my lactose intolerance anymore… It forces me to prepare breakfast myself! How many men have you been sleeping with? Answer that question…
I know your utter attractiveness hooks men like magnets, and it says it all…. that you have seen the most naked form of not less than 70 men!
I don’t know why Am having this conversation with you anyway… but get this clear, that I will always write to you.
I have realized that sometimes I let short stories pass me by. They always go unnoticed, until bedtime when they come into my mind and I let out a gentle smile into the darkness. I might swallow a stray mosquito when I open my mouth too wide, so a gentle smile will always suffice!
I will be creating a category named ”short comings”, where I will be putting these stories.
So…what next? Do I tell you about my experience to work on a Monday morning? Or do I tell you about that fat man I spotted with his hands under a slim woman’s dress at kencom bus station?
Okay…. now listen. This is a very interesting story!
I was driving to work when my car suddenly indicated in the middle of the road that it needed more fuel. So I stopped at the nearest Total petrol station to fuel it. I had 400 bob in my pocket… minus lunch!
I don’t understand why they look at me unpleasantly whenever I buy fuel for 200 or 300 bob… it makes me feel embarrassed, so I pay for the services with my windows rolled up… and as soon as the car is fueled, I rev up the engine and disappear as fast as I can… It’s embarrassing, you know!
Now, this man was not very excited with me… so he slum shut my fuel tank’s door…then I saw something like ”fuck*” you finger sign with the corner of my eyes… I think!
Then he asked…”Mbele iko sawa?” ”Ebu check!” I responded as my right hand grabbed the tiny creased receipt.
This guy suddenly jumped backwards with a shriek… scaring me in the process.
He discovered that there were two cats inside my bonnet. He was still keeping his distance when I lowered my window, slipped out my head in disbelief.
I have no idea how the cats got into my bonnet! I could not figure out how they survived in the heat my car’s engine emitted! This was a miracle…
My bonnet remained shut, and the sketchy man advised that I leave the cats inside the bonnet because they don’t keep pets at petrol stations… they only sell fuel!
I am now inside the office, and with one cat in my car’s bonnet, I have no idea where the other cat disappeared to, or what intentions the two animals had. May be one cat had fallen away on the tarmac as I drove, or may be the petrol attendant thought there were two cats when there was only one…
This woman was giving me hell! And by saying hell, I mean she was a drama queen. At some point, she almost hit me with a blunt object when she discovered another whore’s text message in my phone. She even confiscated that phone for a whole week!!
At another point, she shouted at me inside Nakumatt supermarket because I had protested over the idea of getting her a weave… I don’t like bushy synthetic weaves anyway!! I used to see her in my dream with cobwebs written ”weave”, and that’s how I began loathing them with passion.
Now I received the watchman’s text message. I was surprised when he text me because I couldn’t remember giving him my number.
It said…”kuna paka”. I responded…”chukua”. I never saw his text message again till I left the office at 5pm!