Strange Man From Glasgow!!!!

My lovely Medina,

I have been a ”lone ranger” for months now…..I can’t sleep at night these days. Your thoughts cross my mind whenever i hear my neighbours romping with passion……to destruct my sleep forever. They are newly married….or say they are cohabiting…because these days no one wants to get married the official way!

They recently moved to this plot, barely 2 weeks ago……and already disturbing old folks like me.

P.S These are the shortcomings of living in plot 10, where the adjacent room is always a ”mabati” house.



My throat pains every time i cough….it’s a bad cough that pains my chest…i suspect i got it from Muge, but I’ll be fine as soon as i take my fair dose of cough sirup!

It was a bumpy ride yesterday, and equally eventful. This part of the road is currently under heavy construction work. Men in blue overalls and yellow helmets have dag nearly 2Km of the entire stretch.

They dig potholes everywhere and leave them uncovered……i don’t know what they want to achieve by doing this. They’ve been here for a month now…..and the work seems to be dragging.

Now, i want you to picture this scenario!

I tall black man with long neck dozing off on a wayside wooden bench. Can you see him properly??

Okay, now let’s switch roles.  I am the man we’re talking about. I am tall and i have a long neck too….but am not as dark as the man.

I want you to put a matatu seat directly beneath my buttocks! …….you understand??

I am now completely asleep (Because i never get enough sleep in my house at night….i told you the reason). I am inside a 44-bound Rukagina SACCO Bus, and it is really speeding around a sharp bend……..i violently sway sideways while dead asleep.

God knows the kind of disaster that’s about to happen to the person seated next to me!

I sense that my head just landed on something really furry. I am not talking about the kind of softness for a padded boob….or thick buttocks. This is a different texture…..something like a soft carpet made of fur or hay.

I have to instantly open my eyes so as to make sense of what’s happening. The soft impact i had from my deep sleep was as a result of direct collision between my head and a woman’s head……..i think!

I look at her in embarrassment…..guess what!! Her bushy weave is staring at me, plus her eyes are red hot….she must be furious with me.

Thank God, she just decided to fix this bushy ”thing” without creating a fuse….i think it was the mercy of God!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is not blatant rudeness, it’s something that English calls CONFIDENCE!!!

Shortly afterwards, i fall asleep a second time. I don’t know what must have happened…I just opened my eyes by luck!! Then i shouted without reason……i am alighting!!!!

The conductor didn’t oblige…..even though a matatu stage has never existed where i plan to alight off the vehicle.

Shock on me!! I have like 20 stages to arrive where i live. This is a problem!!!

I stop for a moment as i try figuring out what must have went wrong. Lately, am not so composed……i think these are the side effects of not getting sufficient sleep at night.

random-funny-photos-part-133_5411Now, as i write this, am doing so under very peculiar circumstances. There’s a Skype conversation going on right next to where i am seated.

It’s on a Saturday, and we’re all working in the office. Our office has been sectioned into smaller compartments…….just for privacy, you know?

Usually i don’t show up in the office on Saturdays……because this is my sabbath day. It’s a freaking emergency that kept me working till late on Friday….it’s for the same reason that am in the office today.

Anyway, this is not part of the tale……i have always admired the word ”Tale”. I have used it now……hehe!!

An English accent is coming from the speaker of her computer……let’s call her Jane. She doesn’t like to use earphones whenever a white man is calling…and she’s really loud while on Skype.

It makes me stop what i was doing… that i can catch the story secretly.

”Hi, working today??” The deep husky voice continues on the other end.

I hope you can see this……..Yet another idiot making use of office resources when the boss is not around….hehe, i am not alone in this business.

”Hiiiii…miss you baby,” replies Jane. Jane is extremely excited at the sight of this bearded white man on the other end of the screen……i can tell from his deep husky voice that he’s bearded….all bearded men have that kind of a voice.

”Yeah swerie……i am at the office…i just came to do 1,2,3 things. I have unfinished business, you know!…she continues.

The man replies…..”Are you alone?” She says YES!!!

Now i am very happy…i like listening to such conversations….they always lead to sex on the phone! Hahaha…I have to listen very very carefully.

So i tip toe closer to her door so that i can get some more of this…..since peeping over the cardboard separating the 2 rooms won’t be possible. It would be easier for her to spot my head with the corner of her eyes…don’t you know??

With a jolly voice, she says….”‘i mean, just for the weekend……” I had missed some parts of the conversations that led to her giving such an answer. Too bad…i was still creeping, so i missed a bunch of vital information!!

While busy tip toeing, i think Jane must have suspected my movement. She stopped for a second and stared towards my direction.

Anyway, i had to get the story. I quickly tip toe to a safe location…..and that would be to my office room. As luck would have it, i see my phone lighting for 2 seconds before letting out its loud ringtone. I thank God because this did not happen when i was peeping at the door. She could have easily found out the naughty spy.

“Ooohhh…!!! you are so talented in singing!!”…the deep voice continues.

Now the funny part of the story is this!

Jane was not singing at all. The white man heard my ringtone, so he thought his girl was humming a nice tune for him.

In turn, the man begun singing on his end……I almost burst in laughter….i mean, this man can sing too!!!

Then i heard the white man requesting to see Jane’s boobs over Skype…this is a second time now. I assumed it the first time i heard this strange but familiar request.

Jane is now removing part of his blouse.. you know the part with her cleavage?? She wants to expose one of her boobs to this man.

”How much is a return ticket to Glasgow?” continues the husky voice on the other end.

Now i have established the location of this man….he is video-calling from Glasgow!!

Jane is now murmuring something i cannot hear. I guess she’s exposing her boobs while waving on the camera….i am now guessing, not a fact.

Connection goes dead!!! I can hear Jane cursing the day……

The conversation is over…just like that!

I quickly run back to a safe location, where i belong-inside my office. Her door flies open…..then her shoes begin making sounds on the floor.

P.S This is dedicated to all Kenyan women who love skyping with older white folks, twice their age…from diaspora.