Lessons On How To Become A Cheat…

Dear Lovely,

I have to move with shattering speed when writing this letter. I suspect my boss discovered how i have been secretly using her computer and internet to write love letters to Medina, Christine, Priscilla, Damaris and Liz.

Okay…..my boss is a lady, say 40 years of age, so successful yet so treacherous, and….., well…….with big and rounded buttocks, the size of my grandmother’s black pot! I heard her say that some people use company resources for their own leisure…..i suspect she was talking about me. Soon there will be confrontation here in the office, i know.

Now, i want you to listen and listen very carefully! It is extremely important that you don’t talk while am talking!

There are careers you get into because you are a very good liar……i mean, if your girlfriend finds another girl’s panties hanging inside your closet and you go scot-free, you can easily become a lawyer, a politician or even a cobbler. I know cobblers know everything in this town, from A to Y and Z!

I hope you can see where this is taking us, right!

Okay, to cheat, you have to get a distinction in the subject of lying……I could easily retire if liars where awarded a gold medal every time they lied. Yes, you and me know how many times we’ve lied.

I am going to teach you with reference to the stories of my life.

I think i was only 9 years old………and already i was going out with the sexiest women in my classroom.

Now, let me create a scene!

My teacher said i should seat at the front….because she realized i was afraid of answering math questions. I guess she wanted to subject my worst fears to unending tortures of Algebra lessons. I was so close to my teacher that my nose could pick up the smell of the inside content of her handbag every time she unzipped it. The inside of her handbag smelled like Johnson IT……you know Johnson IT?? It was an insecticide my mother used to kill big and ugly cockroaches in our kitchen at night!

Anyway, i had not planned to talk about my teacher’s handbag………..i remember she set me up on parent’s day to tell my mother how i had refused to learn the new spelling of SUGAR. She couldn’t convince me how SHUGA became SUGAR, no way! Education is doing shit in my mind……i mean, where did the missing letters go?

Moving on!

I remember my habit of constantly hitting at Methusela (not her real name)……(she might have grown up to become a lawyer…God knows!). She used to sit right behind me. She was not attractive, though she had the brains…..I don’t know why Brainy women are not beautiful women. But i love intelligent ladies..intelligence is not like your underwear, once you have it, it’s permanently there.

Dividing numbers is not so easy at 9 years of age……and Methusela used to divide them on my behalf…….you need such women in life, don’t you think?….it’s not like your homework will be done miraculously the next morning you wake up. Methusela’s duty was to do my homework, so she finished hers quickly in order to do mine in a different handwriting. Don’t take me for a bad person though…..i beg you! I had to pay at whatever cost so that i don’t lose her services. So in return, i held her hand every time we waited for the school bus to show up.

Ladies and gentlemen!!! this is the hardest shit you can put up with at this age!……but i was willing to graduate from school anyway. I figured that if i refused to hold her hand, she would also refuse to do my classwork in return.

On the other hand, Vicky was pretty…..and i mean extremely gorgeous, but with no wit whatsoever…….She wasn’t brainy. Vicky was her real name…i remember, and her job description was PR. I used her just to make me look good. Dating ugly women all the time doesn’t feel good, you know? Trust me, if class 2 looks can take a woman further than her grade, then it doesn’t matter if your chic can recite the multiplication table, going backwards!!! In other words, if your woman is not fly….she can’t fly! Vicky was rich and oozing with beauty….i love it when a woman has looks and smells like 1000 bob! Her dreams are still valid!!!

Anyway, keeping Vicky was like carrying a sack of potatoes 1Km. You see, everyone bought her snacks at break time….and i mean everyone! My income was not enough….and that was a BIG problem there. I ran two companies that were not very profitable at the time….MAMA & BABA LTD! ……Ladies and gentlemen, i had to find ways of boosting my income, and not just rely on MAMA & BABA LTD. I had to outshine every Tom, Dick and Harry who bought sweets for Vicky during break time.


I had plan B……..

I got hold of a stupid boy in another class……whom i deceived into giving me all his break time money. I must confess how it’s not easy to put up with a fool, but my Vicky had to be fed well anyway!!!

Then there was Rosa Shah….This was her real name. I should not give it 2 squirts of my piss using real names on her.

People of Nairobi and elsewhere!! You already know why i could not put up with this woman! In fact, her names proved difficult to pronounce…….it went against my LUO standards of pronouncing English words!

ROSA SAH…….(you just heard it) was very important to me though. Her job was to supplier big bags of delicious crisps and groundnuts—red peppered. I even used her supplies to pamper Vicky’s needs!

As fate would have it, Vicky repeated class 2. Now, Methusela wanted more than just holding hands….i mean she wanted more than just handling the homework sector!

Do you see this? I know some of you are asking how i managed to balance the 3 women without getting busted! But it was very simple……my brain was too small to start worrying about getting caught. It simply didn’t cross my mind because i was so busy trying to spell SUGAR, then MULTIPLY SHIT BY SHIT TO GET ANOTHER SHITTY ANSWER!!! Juggling the 3 women with school was at the bottom of my list…….thanks to the size that my brain was at that time.

People!!! If you are busy cheating while worrying about getting caught, your worst fears will turn into a reality. Yes….you will be caught!!!